Brief Two

Salem

Standing in the freezing night, I thought about thrashing the schoolyard. Only a few days ago I would have thought about erecting you a monument in the schoolyard but now I thought about thrashing it! The headlights of my car behind me imprinted my shadow on the school’s wall, long and eerie. I clenched my fists. How could you do this to me?

I closed my eyes and thought back to the day we met. I thought you were one of us. And imagine my surprise when I opened that door and saw you standing there on the wrong side. I froze mid-stride in the door frame until the door hit me from behind and I stumbled in the room. All eyes on me. Including yours. I couldn’t tear myself away form them, those big, black, intense eyes.

I was late. After, I’d be always late. Partly because I couldn’t bring myself to see you every time talking, laughing and joking with the rest knowing you could never be mine. I knew it was wrong. I knew that you knew it was wrong. So why did you look at me that way? Why did you come close? Why did you trip over my clumsy feet? You tortured me. The whole school tortured me. They mocked me. And they giggled and pointed in my direction when I walked by. Because they knew. And you knew. And you let them.

I opened my eyes and let the cold night breeze blow the tears dry. I couldn’t hate you. I wanted to but I just couldn’t. It wasn’t your fault. Maybe you needed my help but I wasn’t there for you. How could I have known? Mr. P said I was making a difference. He knew, didn’t he? You had told him. You must have. He was your friend. He was my friend too. But he’s safe and sound tonight sleeping beside his wife in his warm, cozy bed in his big, fancy house and where are you now? Where am I?

I turned and got back inside my car. I revved the engine. Twice. Three times. I squeezed the wheel till my knuckles turned white. How could you do this to me? I loved you. I think you knew that. I floored the gas pedal.